Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Now what? Indulge me for a moment...

The dying process is a period of time when the body begins to shut down and prepare for death. It's an important period of time for the dying person and their loved ones during which they can express their feelings and show their love. It's a time of preparation for the dying person and their loved ones -- preparing for inevitable loss.
The actual process may be very quick or happen gradually. Recognizing the signs early and feeling confident in the care you provide can ensure this is a special time.

... Special time???? WTF?

For any of you that don't know, my dad is dying.

It may be quick, it may take a while. As the doctor he saw today said, 'cancer is a very personal thing'.

Now, for most people this would be a definite 'boo-hoo' moment. But for me, it's a time of head-scratching and saying, 'huh???'

In April, my Dad was diagnosed with Stage III Esophageal cancer. Sucks, huh? Well, here's the kicker... he could have been cured by now. He CHOSE not to be. Yup, CHOSE.

How do you process something like that? He has chosen death over life. He has chosen a whole lot of nothing over ME. Over my Mom. Over my brother... Over my kids!

How is that even possible?

My kids are awesome.

Hell, I'M awesome!

I know it's HIS decision. I just can't quite understand how he came to that decision.

You know, I almost died once. When I was pregnant with Allison I was told to 'get my affairs in order'. I'll never forget that little conversation. My baby boy isn't even two yet, and here they are telling me that I probably won't live through childbirth.

Yeah, me! Yeah Rick! Yeah, Danny! Yeah Allison!

But here's the deal. No matter what... No matter how... No matter what the circumstance.... I wanted to live...

...for my husband

...for my kids

...for my brother

...for my mom

...for my dad

I couldn't put them through that. I wouldn't put them through that.

Why does my dad feel its okay to do this to me, and my mom and my brother and my kids?

I guess I'll never understand.


yup... always a but....

I forgive him.

it's his choice. it's his life. it's apparently something that's waaay far out of my realm of understanding. And as a very wise friend of mine told me.. Forgiveness is a gift you give someone. You don't wait for a 'return'. You don't wait for a 'thank you'. You simply give a gift and walk away and know that you have done something for someone else. You don't give gifts for yourself. You give gifts for others. Dad, this gift is for you. I forgive you and your decision, no matter how much it hurts the ones that love you. how much it hurts the ones I love.

I forgive you and wish you godspeed.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Okay, this is just funny

Can you say 'Deer in a headlight'? Poor guy had his eyes closed for last year's picture so he overcompensated.... Bwahahahahah -- it never gets old!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Quick quick, there it goes

How does it happen? Where does time go? Why is it that it seems to take about 14 hours to get through dinner, but you blink and your baby is no longer a baby. Sure... she's still got the 'baby fat' and the chubby little cheeks, but that's about where the similarities end. Now she's off at school for 8 hours a day. Now she speaks her mind and has opinions and *corrects* me!

It's such a wonderful feeling when you fall in love with your kids all over again. You realize what astonishing little people they are. There is actually thought that goes on behind that gaze of theirs. I honestly take them for granted. When they have an off day or are acting up, I am so quick to reprimand and 'correct' - but when it comes right down to it... those days are few and far between. I probably have more 'off' days than they do.

Danny is in the process of losing another tooth. He's scared. I don't know why. All I can think of is that it's because his others haven't come in yet. Poor guy is going to look strange when he finally does get teeth. We're going on three years now without front teeth. Thank heaven he's cute!

I can't even remember when Danny was a baby. It seems like soooo long ago. Too long ago.
Guess I'll have to give them extra kisses when they get home!

How does time fly so quickly?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Out with the old, in with the new!

Wow... Almost 10 months have gone by since I last posted. My, how things change.

First and foremost... I am now 40... Yup... BIG milestone. Hard to even imagine! The spouse surprised me and whisked me away to Vegas for my birthday... that was pretty cool. (wish we came back with some extra cash, but hey... we didn't hit the ATM machine so that was a win/win situation). I'd post some pictures, but they all seemed to end up as the 'hold your arm out and take your own portrait' type.

I got my 2nd tattoo (with my mother along for the ride this time). Actually she was the 'designated driver' for bunch of drunk fools out celebrating with me! (Thank you girls of Viviene Westmoreland!)

Ma was definitely a good sport about the entire thing. The last tattoo I got was when I was 23ish and I managed to hide it from her for several months... to her credit back then, her only comment was 'Damn it, you little $hit... you DID get one'

She's come a LONG way! Now she's aiding and abetting!

I think we were *this close* to getting her to get one!

A few other new developments in our household... in no particular order....

Allison can read.

At a 1st+ grade level.

She's five and just started kindergarden. I can't spell things aloud anymore because she knows what I'm spelling... That's a BIG deal in this house. Thankfully Danny is oblivious, but Allison is nosy nosy nosy and wants to know EVERYTHING that is going on. I'm trying to use my rudimentary Spanish... but the dang kid knows that too.

Danny has discovered girls.
My sweet, sweet baby boy is coming home from school with notes from the teacher now... 'Danny had to be asked 2x to keep his hands to himself' and
is having issues with self control' -- ugh.

He's in 2nd grade for pete's sake. What the heck?!?!?

Rick is a rock star.

Well.... Rick wants to be a rock star... he just doesn't want all of the drama that comes along with it. It's funny how having a full time job and a family to support causes you to take some responsibility on... As much as he'd love to be out every night 'gigging' - He's finally getting the fact that he's having trouble having it all.

Well... and then there's that little thing called football season as well.

My mom and dad just moved back to New Hampshire.
I guess that's probably the primary reason I haven't blogged in so long.
It's been one hell of a year.... But more about THAT later.

I'm going to try to ease back into this.. I just got the kids to bed. I just opened a Mich Ultra and I just decided that it's time to watch my shows.

It's nice to be back!