Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Now what? Indulge me for a moment...

The dying process is a period of time when the body begins to shut down and prepare for death. It's an important period of time for the dying person and their loved ones during which they can express their feelings and show their love. It's a time of preparation for the dying person and their loved ones -- preparing for inevitable loss.
The actual process may be very quick or happen gradually. Recognizing the signs early and feeling confident in the care you provide can ensure this is a special time.

... Special time???? WTF?

For any of you that don't know, my dad is dying.

It may be quick, it may take a while. As the doctor he saw today said, 'cancer is a very personal thing'.

Now, for most people this would be a definite 'boo-hoo' moment. But for me, it's a time of head-scratching and saying, 'huh???'

In April, my Dad was diagnosed with Stage III Esophageal cancer. Sucks, huh? Well, here's the kicker... he could have been cured by now. He CHOSE not to be. Yup, CHOSE.

How do you process something like that? He has chosen death over life. He has chosen a whole lot of nothing over ME. Over my Mom. Over my brother... Over my kids!

How is that even possible?

My kids are awesome.

Hell, I'M awesome!

I know it's HIS decision. I just can't quite understand how he came to that decision.

You know, I almost died once. When I was pregnant with Allison I was told to 'get my affairs in order'. I'll never forget that little conversation. My baby boy isn't even two yet, and here they are telling me that I probably won't live through childbirth.

Yeah, me! Yeah Rick! Yeah, Danny! Yeah Allison!

But here's the deal. No matter what... No matter how... No matter what the circumstance.... I wanted to live...

...for my husband

...for my kids

...for my brother

...for my mom

...for my dad

I couldn't put them through that. I wouldn't put them through that.

Why does my dad feel its okay to do this to me, and my mom and my brother and my kids?

I guess I'll never understand.


yup... always a but....

I forgive him.

it's his choice. it's his life. it's apparently something that's waaay far out of my realm of understanding. And as a very wise friend of mine told me.. Forgiveness is a gift you give someone. You don't wait for a 'return'. You don't wait for a 'thank you'. You simply give a gift and walk away and know that you have done something for someone else. You don't give gifts for yourself. You give gifts for others. Dad, this gift is for you. I forgive you and your decision, no matter how much it hurts the ones that love you. how much it hurts the ones I love.

I forgive you and wish you godspeed.


  1. Is there something, anything, that anyone could, should, say to you right now? I don't think there is. If I were there, I'd hug you, hard.

    You ARE amazing! Do you want to know why? The power to forgive is great. I don't possess that quality. I might be able to muster the words, if I felt the person needed to hear them, but in my heart, they would just be words. In fact, I would probably resent them more for making me say them. I guess I'm just petty.

    But here you are. Preparing yourself and your children for the eventually phone call. An emotional task to be sure, but now you've had to reconcile the fact that you might not have had to do that if things had be "put" on a different path. And you're doing it all with forgiveness! You ARE truly amazing!

    If I had to put myself in your father's place, and come up with a possible reason for choosing this course of action (or non-action), it would be this... my family is all great; happy, strong, and healthy. Best to leave them now, when they can handle it better, then when they are dealing with other issues that tap their happiness, strength, and health.

    Maybe it's the ultimate compliment to you and your family as well as himself. You are his legacy, and what an "amazing" one at that.
    Love, Your Friend, Bonnie

  2. I dont' know that is something I will never understand. I went thru hell and back during treatment and still have some pretty dark days but I am here.

    I had a friend who didn't take care of themselves and waited until the last minute to do something and it was too late.

    Sigh, sorry to hear that, I know it is a personal choice, but I will never understand that choice